And I'm not ready.
I'm not ready to say good bye to the baby years, chunky legs, and naps in the stroller. I absolutely adore the frequent rocks in the chair, humming of lullaby's, cuddles in the afternoon, repeated books, morning snuggles, sloppy eating, unexplained giggles, random tickles, constant snacking, new milestones, and the happy-go-lucky freedom of being a baby. (sigh)
I don't want her to grow up.
I see how fast these years go, and I want to capture it. I want to hold on to these minutes, these precious moments, where she wants me. She wants me to hold her, to comfort her, to soothe her, to provide for her. With Paisley, she is so free-spirited and energetic; she has a mind of her own and clear expectations, but she is constantly learning and eagerly absorbing what is around her. I want to pause this. Right here. I want to remain the one who impresses her. I want to continue to teach her. I can't imagine letting go.
I know... You're reading this ready to explode! I surely must sound like I've gone coo-coo. You're all probably trying to label me as one of those freak parents, who helicopter over their baby, never allowing them to think, speak, or act for themselves. You are envisioning me attending college with her, aren't ya? -- sleeping on the floor in her dorm room the first night... Ha! So, maybe I wish I could!
But truly, soon she'll be impressionable, constantly fighting the balance of struggling and succeeding in school subjects, wanting to try new sports and activities, looking for where she fits. Wishing that something was different about herself -- whether taller, darker hair, more curls, bigger eyes, faster, better at writing or singing -- you name it. And we try to stop it. We try to minimize those thoughts. We try to highlight the kids' strengths and let them know how beautiful and talented and brave they are. But sometimes it takes a lot to convince them of their level of specialness. Not because we put that doubt into their heads, but because kids are competing against themselves all the time.
I'm scared to soon have all three kids continuing through these hurdles. Right now, Paisley has been my saving grace. The one who always knows she's pretty and mommy loves her. She knows it and she'll flaunt it, believe it or not! But she is innocent. She's a baby. She's supposed to know how important she is to this family because that has been the focus of our teachings for the two years of her life.
But now the challenges begin. And I'm not ready.
When the older kids celebrated birthdays, it was part of the cycle of life. They became the older sibling; they got a new responsibility; a new title. But this time it's different. There is no 4th child on our horizon. As much as I always believed there would be, we've agreed that we are at a different point in our lives than originally expected. Now, it's up to Pais to travel through this journey of growing up. She won't have anyone on her heels.
Thankfully, she has two amazingly great teachers leading the path ahead of her. Cade and Layna are her shining stars. But this mama needs help! I need to get ready to say good-bye. The baby years are over. And as much as I want to hold on to the idea of infancy, I can't. She's a big girl now.
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