Home Visit Anticipation

Many of you read my story about starting anti-depressants in the third trimester of my most recent pregnancy. It was a slow process to come off of those tiny blue pills, and by the time I did, I was talking to my doctor about keeping some on hand for our international move around the world.

To my surprise, I haven't even considered using that crutch. I've truly transitioned to this new lifestyle very well, and have built a strong backbone while adapting so far apart from my family whom I relied on daily back home. What I've come to now realize, after three months of living abroad, is that the mental preparation of visiting home is causing me more anxiety than I presumed. 

Today marks just a month until I get to spread my love to our family. And while I'm really excited to wrap my arms around them (and meet my tiny, sweet niece for the first time)... I'm also really scared.

I know... that sounds so crazy, right?



But, it's so true.

I'm scared to talk about my daily happenings and for others to stare at me in disbelief, misunderstanding, lack of care or compassion, disinterest, or silence because they don't know how to respond.

I'm apprehensive to hear family and friends talk about their kids' daycare or sports teams, the stressful amount of work and passion they endure on the job, or daily things like filling the car with gas, stopping quick at Hy-Vee, or scanning the recent Target dollar bins.

I'm distracted by my response when people sheepishly ask, "you really like it there?"

I'm worried to hear my kids say they want to go "home" at night, and the possible confusion as to what that means.

I'm nervous to have others ask what it's like to live in China, and not be able to to give my full explanation because I don't have enough time over coffee, brunch or a beer to fully describe what we've lived in the last four or five months.

I'm embarrassed that if I do begin to describe our lifestyle -- being a stay-at-home mom, living on the 37th floor of a high-rise, enrolling in a private school, employing a house cleaner and personal driver -- that you'll see me as arrogant or lucky.

I'm annoyed that you may think what we've done by quitting my dream job, selling our cars, moving our family around the world, and living amongst a completely different culture norm must be hard, weird, or unpleasant.

I'm terrified that my family potentially feels I don't miss them or haven't made the effort to stay connected enough. And I'm stressed that I won't be able to see everyone during our visit.

I'm not ready for the numerous "OMG's" that you may respond with in shock, disbelief or distaste.

I'm apprehensive of putting on a front if I say everything is great here, and I hope you know I'd be lying if I said that we didn't like it.

I'm hesitant of input, responses and reactions to the idea that we may consider staying beyond our two year contract. 

I'm desperate for the kids to only hear optimism in our voices when we talk about our experiences, because I'm utterly fearful that they won't want to board the plane upon our return home.

I selfishly don't want to hear how hard it is on you, for us to be away.

The truth is, I don't want to our first visit to be a failure. I want to enjoy every moment that I get with the people I love. But, I ask that you realize this....

Home for us is Shanghai now. We are American-born citizens living outside of our home continent. Not city, not state, not region, not country. Continent. We are experiencing a life that is far different than I ever would have fathomed. We are witnessing lifestyles that we hardly read about at home. We are living this everyday. Nothing is to say this is good or bad. It's just not the mid-western homogeneous culture.

When you hear the global news, and change the channel or refocus your energy on something else because it doesn't apply to you, we are that news. We are a part of what is happening in this magnificently huge neighborhood called the world. We are only around the corner, but it's so completely different and mind-blowing. And when I say different, I can't even begin to describe what that means.

I want you to realize that deep down we are the same people that left the states in the summer, and we will be the same people in two, or three, or five years from now, upon our return. But we are also experiencing and appreciating the sociology behind culture and people... which is exactly why we chose to take this journey.