The string of good-byes continued through the weekend. Four nights of dinners in a row with amazing family friends who were planning repatriation. Each night we left with a “see you tomorrow” because no one wanted to actually say the words “good-bye”. But, as expected, the night came, at a great dinner-out-spot, where we spent over 3 hours chatting around the dinner table, before paying our bill and following each other through the high-end shopping center. Finally we reached that point where we were required to part ways - hugging endlessly, high-fiving, waving, blowing kisses, and walking backwards until we one of us turned the corner. It was less than glorious and a moment I’ll probably never forget.
But, we’ve promised to rekindle somehow, sometime, someway. We have that power to ensure it’s not the end. Maybe we’ll some day live nearby, the kids will visit, or our anticipated annual girls weekend will come to fruition.
Unfortunately, the ending wasn’t the same with our recent farewell to Liam.
It was a day that I had prepared for. As in, his bags were packed, I’d sifted through items we wanted to store on his behalf and those that we were willing to donate to the Baby’s Home. I collected remains of diapers and formula out of closets and various diaper bags, and we returned the borrowed double BOB that had saved me during the past 6 months. Everyone was informed that he was returning to Baby’s Home, Jar took the day off work to help our family transport him, and we snuck in a professional family photo shoot before dropping him at the scheduled time.
What I hadn’t prepared for were the emotions. The chaotic moments leading up to this point had me going through the checklist, acting through the motions, but not truly being present in the questions that would be asked by the other three kids, the void that Jarin and I might encounter by “dropping off” a child we’d raised for nearly half his life, or the guilt and sadness that we’d be feeling.
As we handed him over to the amazing, caring staff at Shanghai Baby’s Home that day, they welcomed him with smiles and hugs. Liam didn’t cry, but his body language and facial expression showed his insecurity with the change. I explained his updated vaccination records, X-rays, and medical reports that we’d walked through with him over the months. And Alayna presented the director with an envelope of over 1100RMB, which she and a friend raised for Baby’s Home during a lemonade stand a couple weeks back.
While the trade-offs and hand-offs were happening, I failed to notice that my oldest was pressed against the wall sobbing. So much so that his shoulders shook in panic as he experienced the beginning of an unfamiliar separation. I leaned in to comfort him and could feel the coldness radiate. He was mad at us for the decision we were making. He knew that it could have gone another way, if only mom and dad chose so.
As I embraced him through his fear and anger, the spiral of emotion rang through the family. Next Alayna broke down, soon I was a sobbing mess, and as I glanced up at my rock-of-a-husband, I watched tears fall continually from his beautiful blue eyes.
This was definitely a much more difficult experience than I had been ready for. Slowly Caden offered the staff a paper we’d printed with two family photos and a few words to let Liam know how much he meant to us. The caretakers promised to hang it above his cot.
And just like that, it ended. Our good-bye was cut short - for the good of us all. We touched him one last time, gave our final kisses, and turned our heads on a sweet baby boy. He is truly one we will never forget.
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